Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of aparnapkin's best tweets

@aparnapkin : if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it's hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.

@aparnapkin: I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.

@aparnapkin: Have you ever heard someone honking so aggressively & for so long that you're like "this was never about the traffic, was it, buddy?"

@aparnapkin: What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it's 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

@aparnapkin: Don't be part of the problem, be the whole problem

@aparnapkin: Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

@aparnapkin: One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

@aparnapkin: "Women are crazy!"
"Did one try to murder you unprovoked?"
"No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me."