Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
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ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
lot going on here, legally speaking.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.