I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
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i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad