If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
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Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”