Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
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if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Um … Hot Wings please
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.