According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
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I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Boy never ceases to amaze me
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
WTF IS THAT!
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.