All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
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director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots