We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
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I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve