[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
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If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster