Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
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Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.