This hospital has everything
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At least he tried.. twice.. 馃槄
Yet another thing they should鈥檝e saw coming
The CDC says it鈥檚 a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
I鈥檇 enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i鈥檓 so sorry)
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
For the baby who has everything
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Someone in my daughter鈥檚 class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine鈥檚 Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 馃お
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it鈥檒l remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Maybe Oscar wouldn鈥檛 be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
me [putting sons toy together] I don鈥檛 think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it鈥檚 not supposed to be on fire like that
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I鈥檓 calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?