We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
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Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”