*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
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Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?