If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
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teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.