I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
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I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.