My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
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If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment