Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
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My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Stop sending me this shit.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.