Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
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Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Natty or not?
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?