I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
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Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?