Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ashleyaustrew's best tweets

@ashleyaustrew : You have -4 min to cook. Your ingredients are: Goldfish An apple w/ 1 bite out of it Chicken you didn't thaw 7 Legos - Chopped: Moms Edition

@ashleyaustrew: Me: I do f-ing everything around here! I'm sick of it!

Family: *tries to help*

Me: That's not...what are you...no...wrong...LET ME DO IT

@ashleyaustrew: If you love someone, set them free. If they cry and refuse to leave the bathroom you're in, they're your kids.

@ashleyaustrew: 4: "Mom, I'm gonna be just like you when I grow up and say bad words and eat French fries two at a time."

@ashleyaustrew: Dating: *prances around in underwear and his t-shirt*

Marriage: *Unzips footed unicorn onesie* Do you think this mole is cancer?

@ashleyaustrew: I'm on the snake diet. It's the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you.

@ashleyaustrew: "I don't know the government, and I'm not giving them any of my coins." - my 4yo after I explained taxes

@ashleyaustrew: I want to know what love is. I want you to show me. No, not you. You. On the left. Other left. No. Jesus Christ, I'll do it myself.