Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
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If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
how do y’all walk in shallow water
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Breaking news:
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –