@astutenewf: Pretty sure most of the people in coffee shops on lap tops are just writing letters to their parents asking if they can move back home.
@astutenewf: YOU SHOULD BE CALLED JEHOVAH'S FITNESS! I yell as I lose my breath chasing them down the street.
@astutenewf: Whole Foods Cashier: Do you have your grocery bags?
Me: Kidding? At $6 an apple you should drive them home and make an apple pie for me.
@astutenewf: When I'm bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
@astutenewf: *boss at staff meeting*
Hey, do you have anything positive to add to this meeting?
Yeah, I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.
@astutenewf: When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.
@astutenewf: Her:How long before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
Dr.:No one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.
@astutenewf: Based on how much my bones and joints pop when I work out, I'm pretty sure I'm 80% rice krispies.