Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
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Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
much to think about
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus