Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
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I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge