Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
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Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
my astrological sign is a french fry
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
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not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise