*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
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me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.