It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
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“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
I’d hang this in my house.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this