Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of audipenny's best tweets

@audipenny : NOW HIRING: An employee JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you're applying for

@audipenny: I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

@audipenny: friend: let's meet up soon

me: *in the crow's nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

@audipenny: When someone tries to argue with me I'm like "hey pal let me stop you right there" and then physically turn them around to face someone else

@audipenny: Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

@audipenny: Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it's like "well I better just go with it" and I begin sprinting at them

@audipenny: Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

@audipenny: [speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens

@audipenny: I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like "SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????" and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

@audipenny: friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I'm doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really