Mmmmm white people
– sharks
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I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
me when the borders lift
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”