[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
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I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Your honor these allegations are
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.