Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
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Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
don’t be scared
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.