my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
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Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*