Good morning!
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[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.