Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
You Might Also Like
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”