Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of aveuaskew's best tweets

@aveuaskew : Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should've considered.

@aveuaskew: "Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?"

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.

@aveuaskew: Tell me I'm beautiful

"You're beautiful"

Tell me I'm a genius

"You're a genius"

Tell m-

"Just give me the toilet paper, please"

@aveuaskew: People fear what they don't understand:

4th grade math word problems

@aveuaskew: Dog:
Dog: *spits out pill*

@aveuaskew: I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

@aveuaskew: "You always overreact and make things dramatic. It's really annoying."

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

@aveuaskew: "Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It's just air!"



It's inflation

"I hate you"

@aveuaskew: Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You're excu-STOP THAT!

@aveuaskew: [hugging mom at sister's funeral]

"And you said I'd never be your favorite"