Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
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Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Optional boss fight.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes