You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
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Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..