Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
You Might Also Like
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Stop sending me this shit.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.