I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
You Might Also Like
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.