You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
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No, he would not have.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy