*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
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I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Breaking news:
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.