An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
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Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
how much for the angry fruit?
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
what is cheese if not milk persevering
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.