Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
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GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?