Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
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That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.