cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
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If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
iPhone X
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.