Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
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cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*