I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
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Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
This bar smells like my childhood.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.