4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken馃悾 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them馃槀馃槀
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Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn鈥檛 like the way she agreed with me
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
him: i need some space
me: fine i鈥檒l wait outside the bathroom door
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It鈥檚 a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I鈥檇 call it a win win.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Why couldn鈥檛 the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
I’ve spotted six Pok茅mon today but I don’t have the Pok茅mon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she鈥檚 about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
The Weeknd is back
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this