Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
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maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice