I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
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tis the season
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up