Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
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me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.