When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
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Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.