Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
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Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again