Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
You Might Also Like
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.